Almost Bridge 7F68   Main

The Acronymphomaniacs

by Richard Pavlicek

The atmosphere was tense as the final session of the North American Pair Trials got under way. Duke Dropem and Babs D’Lady were in second place, only 7 points out of the lead. On the first round they were pitted against the leaders, a pair of wacky brunettes they had never seen before.

Duke was a bridge professional; and Babs, a wealthy socialite who paid him big bucks to be her partner in tournaments. Even so, word by the grapevine is that Duke would play for free as long as Babs wore a low-cut blouse.

Babs became nervous when she saw the brunettes’ convention card, which listed over 100 conventions, all by their acronyms. She recognized a few — JTB, FSF and NMF — but the rest were Greek, so she hoped nothing would come up.

On the first board Duke opened 1 NT and East overcalled two hearts. “Alert!” interjected West, “That’s DONT.”

“Don’t what?” inquired Babs, “I haven’t even bid yet.”

“No, my partner’s bid is DONT, a convention to show the majors.”

“In that case, I don’t think she’s gonna make it,” Babs answered abruptly. “I double!”

Almost simultaneously, West redoubled. “Alert!” said East, “That’s SOS.”

“You’re gonna need more than that,” warned Babs, “like a truckload of paramedics.”

Board 1 None Vul	J 10 9 A K 4 3 9 6 3 A K 6			Wacko1 West Rdbl Pass	Duke NORTH 1 NT Pass 4	Wacko2 East 2 2 All Pass	Babs South Dbl 3
8 7 2 2 Q J 5 4 J 9 8 7 5			A K Q 6 4 8 7 6 5 8 7 2 10
4 South	5 3 Q J 10 9 A K 10 Q 4 3 2

Duke passed and East ran to 2 . Babs started to think (she’ll try anything once) and remembered what Duke said about bidding stoppers. “Three hearts!” she said triumphantly, expecting Duke to bid 3 NT with spades stopped; but Duke raised to 4 , and Babs had to play it!

West led the spade seven. “Alert!” clamored the wacko East, “That’s MUD.”

“Say what?” Babs retorted, “You bimbos play dirty, too?”

“No, you airhead, it’s a convention. From three small we play middle-up-down.”

Matchpoints	J 10 9		Trick	Lead	2nd	3rd	4th
None Vul	A K 4 3		1 W	7	9	Q	3
	9 6 3		2 E	10	2	5	K
	A K 6		3 N	10	K	5	8
8 7 2		A K Q 6 4	4 E	7	A	5	3
2		8 7 6 5	5 S	Q	2	3	5
Q J 5 4		8 7 2	6 S	J	7	4	6
J 9 8 7 5		10	7 S	9	4	K	7
	5 3		continued below…
	Q J 10 9
	A K 10
4 South	Q 4 3 2

East won the Q and shifted to her stiff club, which Babs won in dummy with the king. Babs gave up a second spade, and East returned the diamond seven.

“Alert!” said West, “That’s MUD, too.”

“Damn sure will be!” Babs muttered, “like both of you tarts after this hand.”

Babs won the A and drew three rounds of trumps ending in dummy to reach the ending shown. Babs next called for the J, East covered, and she ruffed with the 10 — or so she thought! With all the excitement, Babs accidentally pulled out the diamond 10. Immediately, she tried to correct it.

win 5	J		Trick	Lead	2nd	3rd	4th
	A		8 N	J	A	10*	2
	9 6		*meant to ruff with 10
	A 6
2		A 6 4
—		8
Q J		8 2
J 9 8		—
	—
	10
	K 10
North leads	Q 4 3

“Not so fast!” interrupted the wacko West. “You can’t change your play after you show everyone the card. Let’s get the DIC.”

“What’s that?” asked Babs, “a dictionary?”

“No, you flake, it’s the Director in Charge. We need a ruling.”

Moments later the DIC arrives, and they explain what happened. He opens his rulebook and reads aloud Law 45C, defining a “played card” by declarer as being “touching or nearly touching the table.”

“Yes, it was.” confirmed West.

“No, it wasn’t!” Babs refuted. “It was an inch away, which is not nearly touching.”

The DIC deliberated, “This is a borderline case, and I’m not sure of the precise definition. Wait a moment while I check with the Head Director in Charge.”

One minute later the HDIC arrives and offers his condolences, “I’m sorry, Babs, but guidelines in the Director’s Manual consider one inch to be nearly touching, so I have to rule against you. The diamond 10 is a played card.”

“Thank you, sir,” East acknowledges in a sugar-coated voice.

“Yes, thank you,” echoes West. “You really know your stuff.”

“Of course!” Babs grumbles, irritated by the whole scene. “What other ruling would we expect from a DIC Head.”

Denouement

East was awarded the disputed trick with the A and returned a diamond to the king. Babs then led her last trump to dummy’s ace, and West was squeezed! If she pitched her last diamond, dummy’s nine would be good; so she let go a club, and Babs won the last three tricks in clubs.

win all	—		Trick	Lead	2nd	3rd	4th
	A		9 E	2	K	J	6
	9 6		10 S	10	?
	A 6		West is squeezed
—		6 4
—		8
Q J		8 2
J 9 8		—
	—
	10
	K
East leads	Q 4 3

Epilogue

It soon became apparent that Babs had found the only way to succeed. If she had ruffed the spade as intended, she would have to fail; but the accidental discard left the defense without recourse. Because of this fateful result, Duke and Babs won the event!

A few weeks later Duke Dropem wrote up the deal in his Sunday bridge column, and he proposed a name for this unusual play technique. Duke dubbed it the “Babs Anti-Ruff Exit And Strip Squeeze,” but of course we all know it today by its acronym, BAREASS.

Almost Bridge 7F68   Main

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© 2000 Richard Pavlicek